Turbo Sex Drive part two

I have to follow up yesterdays musings about just how ferociously difficult it is being in my forties, deprived of a regular, meaningful sexual partner, committed to my health and well-being, yet surrounded by people with their own opinions on my difficulty.

Same disclaimer:  if you are a student or former student of mine, a family member, (particularly my kid,) or a friend of mine with a certain sensibility, you might not want to know this much about me.  You’ve been warned.

This is the real-life experiences of a 40-something, nearly empty-nesting, pretty newly single, hot-blooded, Northern Woman.  I’m also a devoted Christian and if that does not seem to jibe with the content, then you have sorely misunderstood my intent to “Get Real.”  It’s what I do here. On purpose. The WHOLE thing.  Together.  Cuz that’s life.

There.  Not that people LISTEN to that.  My oldest son read yesterday’s post, as did at least two of my former students who posted to my Facebook wall.  And to clear up any misconceptions about the role of the poll, I am not going to DO what you TELL me to do.  Since when has that ever been a real concern?

My beliefs:  1.  human beings are the most valuable thing on the planet.  2.  human behavior is one of the most fascinating things ever.  3.  human sexual behavior is one of the most fascinating facets of human behavior.

So, I study.  By interview, by survey, by observation, and by participation and reflection.  And in case that’s too much for you, remember what I’ve told my kids since adolescence, “If you think it’s about sex, it IS about sex.  And anyway, it’s all about sex.”

Of course, it’s not all about sex.  It’s about other things too.  But it’s related.  We wouldn’t be here without it.

And no, that does not mean I’m out having un-married sex.  I hate when people assume that.  People who can’t seem to fathom why one might enjoy playing with a man in a context that does not involve sex first, then marriage, children, abandonment, him having sex with someone else, and everyone’s eventual demise.

Once and for all, I’m just curious, Mom.  I’m not scared of the men, the questions, or the answers.

And lest you think I’m dealing with sexual hang-ups here,  um, no.  Love sex.  Love my sexuality.  It’s not all of me, but it’s a part of me I embrace.  I was born this way.  Thanks, God.

I’m just questioning the nearly unbearable agony of such a fantastic, cruel gift as I’m stuck in my forties trying to live a really healthy life.  I intuitively know dealing with this rightly may indeed be the final surrender in a year of them.  Check out the list of losses and letting go right here.

Also, for the rule-book shakers, here’s a list of the commandments I have been able to keep (at least for some contrived period of time):

Loving God, Loving my neighbor (but not always as much as myself) avoiding stealing, (except once when I was eleven… I got over that real quick!) I’ve never killed anyone, I’ve kept the sabbath, I’ve not coveted my neighbor’s wife or manservant, his donkey or his ass, (but maybe his boat.)  I don’t bear false witness, and I moved back up here to honor my mother (and be by the lakes) plus I adore my dad.

May I just point out “thou shalt not be a glutton” is not in the top ten.

Now, here’s a list of the commandments, the spirit of which I’ve been able to keep:

 

 

 

(that’s blank, in case you thought it was just a fluke.)  My point exactly.  Who’s throwing the first stone?

That’s what I thought.

That’s what Jesus is for.  Period.

I live by grace.  And I walk by faith every single day.  I’ve also discovered there is a strong, knowing, wise inner part of me some people get all spiritual about and identify as God’s voice or the Holy Spirit.  That works for me, but calling it my gut works just as well.  He put it there, after all. *

My gut is never wrong.  I can trust her.  She was designed to protect me and when I listen to her, she does an excellent job!  Sooo simple.

And that is the part I am learning to listen to when making the choice about (a lot of things but particularly) spending time with specific men. Get this:  I have come to believe it really IS this SIMPLE:

Good men make me feel good.  I love the way they treat me and I love the way I feel when I’m with them.

I feel free to be myself.  I feel good about myself.  I feel open and sexy and safe.

I don’t feel judged or boxed up.  I don’t feel pre-identified.  I don’t feel like every move I make is being scrutinized.  I don’t feel anxious when I’m around or away from them.  I don’t wonder if they’re being honest with me.  And I don’t demand anything from them.

Guess what?  There are such men.  And I’m still not sure if I will get to have sex with one of them anytime soon or ever.  And some days, that really bites.

But just because I feel good, (remember the lasagna from yesterday) does not mean I should eat the feast.

*BTW, I know God’s voice too and He never yells at me; sometimes He kicks my ass, but that’s way different.

(It’s okay to post comments here.  That way anyone who wants to can get in on the conversation.  What do you think?)